Sarah Silverman is a geneous among her kind. Sarah has, after two years, finally created the first episode of the 3rd season of the Sarah Silverman Program, and it is fantastic. I don’t think I’ve ever been more entertained by a song about penises.
Sarah, you are truly and inspiration to all women out there. No, no specific group of women. Just all women. I mean, what girl doesn’t want to marry her dog that eats it’s own poop, throws it up, then eats the throw-up? I know I would. ;]
Talk about unique. Talk about talent. Talk about entertaining. This man may be 62 years old, but his spirit is as active as a 15 year old’s. I couldn’t tell you much about this man, but I can tell you that I don’t want him to go away anytime soon, because anyone who can write a song like this deserves the fame I pray this man gets. Take it away, General.
I never, ever, EVER watch the show “The Bachelor,” but my mom wanted to watch it tonight and I had nothing else to do, so I decided to sit through it. I was ignoring it for the most part until we got to a girl named Michelle.
Michelle is quite possibly the most crazy, mixed up chick I’ve seen on a reality game show. No one could talk to this girl without her taking offense and calling them out. Any little criticism and Michelle would throw a shit fit. What’s wrong with this picture? What bothered me most was how she kept re-iterating the fact that she was there to fall in love and get married. You said it once. We heard you. And yet you say it again, about 30 more times before Jake finally wised up and kicked you out. Which was a great moment in television, by the way, people:
Michelle: Do you mind if I kiss you just so I can see if I feel anything?
*He kisses her*
Michelle: Oh, come on. You’ve gotta give me more than that!
And Jake was completely turned off.
The next mind-blower was Vienna. As much as she comes across as a nice, sweet, innocent girl when she’s doing the asides, she was a total bitch that was out for herself and no one else. During Elizabeth’s one-on-one with Jake, Vienna walked in and basically kicked her out just because she wanted some alone-time with Jake. Which brings me to my next victim.
Elizabeth. Now here is a girl who seems intelligent enough to maybe get a rise out of this guy. My question to Elizabeth would be WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING NOT KISSING THIS GUY?!?!? Isn’t that a part of what you’re there for??? You, honey, are an idiot, and I’m glad to have watched you go home. You don’t deserve Jake.
So my moral here, dear readers, is this:
If you are THAT desperate that you feel you must go on a television reality series in order to make something exciting happen in your life, then you are a certified imbosile. If you are that desperate to find some entertainment in your life, try going to Disney World. I think you’ll like it there. It’s much less dangerous, plus they have a padded room in case you get a little out of hand.
***NOTICE***I started at the end because I had initially started at the beginning, but my computer farted and I lost my internet window and had to start again. The only problem was we were about 6 awards into the show when I got a new window up, so I decided just to copy and paste the winners from the Internet Movie Database. That’s why I went backwards.
AND SO ENDS THE GOLDEN GLOBES.
Best Motion Picture Drama
Winner: Avatar
I felt this was a good fit. I had it down to Inglorious Bastards and Avatar, but I knew Avatar was bigger. In every way. A great over-all film, Avatar get what it deserved. Even though I didn’t like it very much, I repected it. I still do. I honestly think this was the movie that most deserved this award.
Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama
Winner: Jeff Bridges
I didn’t even see him in this movie, so I can’t judge this. I will tell you I’m not a big fan of this guy.
Best Actor in a Motion Picture Comedy or Musical
Winner: Robert Downey, Jr.
I don’t normally like this guy, but he did a pretty smashing job. I felt this was deserved.
Best Actress in a Motion Picture Drama
Winner: Sandra Bullock
Yes, this was deserved, because Sandra played the character of a real person with such grace. She was amazing, and this award went to the right person.
Best Motion Picture Comedy or Musical
Winner: The Hangover
TOTALLY Deserved this. I’m sorry, but this movie was fucking hilarious.
Best TV Series Comedy or Musical
Winner: Glee
This is another show I don’t really like, just like AVATAR (I know, one’s a movie and the other is a TV show), so I’m going to say I don’t think this was a just win.
Best Director of a Motion Picture
Winner: James Cameron
As much as I didn’t like the movie AVATAR, I do think it did deserve this award. James Cameron did make a fantastic movie, I just happened not to like it.
Winner of the Cecil B. Demile Award: Martin Scorsese
This is a no brainer. Did he deserve this award? DUH!!! It’s fucking Martin Scorsese!! DEFINITELY.
Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture
Winner: Christoph Waltz
Ok. As much as I LOVE LOVE LOVE Tarantino, I was not big on this movie. I honestly think INGLORIOUS BASTARDS is only getting all these awards because Quentin Tarantino directed it.
Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Mini-Series, or TV Movie
Winner: Chloi Sevigny
She does not deserve this for the simple fact that she got mad at the guy for ripping her dress. It was an accident. Get the fuck over it.
Best TV Series Drama
Winner: Mad Men
I am NOT a fan of this show. I think HOUSE should have won.
Best Foreign Language Film
Winner: The White Ribbon (Germany)
If I spoke German, I’d be so proud right now…
Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy
Winner: Alec Baldwin for “30 Rock” (2006)
I absolutely HATE Alec Baldwin, so of course I’m going to say this was an undeserved award.
Best Screen Play Motion Picture
Winner: Jason Reitman, Sheldon Turner
I have not seen this movie, therefore I have no input.
Best Actress In A Mini Series or TV Movie
Winner: Drew Barrymore
Drew Barrymore confused the hell out of me in the film “Grey Gardens.” This is exactly why I’m glad she won. She portrayed her part perfectly.
Best Actor In A Mini Series or TV Movie
Winner: Kevin Bacon
This was wrong. I’m sorry, but they got it wrong. This award should have gone to Kenneth Branagh. Kenneth portrayed an incredible role in Wallander and deserves to be recognized for it.
Best Actress in a Motion Picture Comedy or Musical
Winner: Meryl Streep
Meryl Streep deserves any and every award she gets. She is terrific.
Best Mini-Series or TV Movie
Winner: Grey Gardens (HBO)
Do I feel it was a good match? I do. This was a fantastic TV movie about Jacqui Kennedy’s cousin and the strange life she lived. It’s a beautiful movie.
Best Original Score – Motion Picture
Winner: Up (2009) – Michael Giacchino
This was perfect. A perfect award. Given to the perfect recipient.
Best Original Song – Motion Picture
Winner: Crazy Heart (2009) – T-Bone Burnett, Ryan Bingham(“The Weary Kind”)
This was a pretty good choice, I guess.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Drama
Winner: Julianna Margulies for “The Good Wife” (2009)
I don’t really know if she was worthy of this award. I can’t say for sure only because I’ve never seen “The Good Wife.”
Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Drama
Winner: Michael C. Hall for “Dexter” (2006)
Anyone who can play a serial killer who kills other serial killers and feel good about it deserves a damn award.
Best Animated Film
Winner: Up (2009)
While many of the nominees in this category were worthy of this award, UP was the perfect choice because it was the only movie nominated for this category that people both young and old can appreciate.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for TelevisionWinner: John Lithgow for “Dexter” (2006)
I believe the better choice for this award would have been Michael Emerson.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy
Winner: Toni Collette for “United States of Tara” (2009)
I can’t really comment on this since I don’t watch any of the shows nominated in this category.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Winner: Mo’Nique for Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire (2009)
I think this award was perfect. Mo’Nique was brilliant. She deserves this award not only because she is an amazing actress but because she was able to play a character who was abusive, abraisive, and all-around evil. My only problem with this win was Mo’Nique’s acceptance speech, which seemed much more like a verbal love note to her husband. That is not appropriate behavior while you’re on stage. Save that shit for when you sit back down.
***ALL NAMES, INCLUDING THE NAME OF THE HOSPITAL, HAVE BEEN CHANGED IN ORDER TO KEEP ALL IDENTITIES PROTECTED***
The following is the breakdown of each transporter at the hospital I currently work at…which we’ll call Princeton Plainsborough Teach Hospital (That’s the hospital from the show HOUSE, but whatever).
1) Ray: Comedian at heart, this guy has been working at PPTH for two years. Part time, he comes in at 4 PM and works until 8 PM, transporting patients to and from various appointments and tests with extra care, going as quickly or as slowly as he feels needed in order to keep the patient comfortable. Ray continues to entertain the staff with his mimes and his quick witt. He is charming, entertaining, and his sense of humor lacks any impure thoughts. Ray is a huge asset to our team.
2) Christen: Sweet, (seemingly) innocent, health conscious, and always looking flawless, Christen brings a light quality to her job as she takes her patients all over the hospital. She has a way of lifting the spirits of the people she transports without even saying a word. Her ability to make people smile is one of her best qualities, and I think she is an integral part of our team.
3) Alissa: Sassy, spunky, and open about what she thinks, Alissa keeps her transportees entertained. Able to keep a conversation going as long as she needs to, Alissa not only makes the trip fun for her patients, she makes it fun for herself. Her patients benefit from a therapy they are unaware of, talk therapy. Alissa makes her patients feel good, and that’s a great element of our group of transporters.
4) Mark: Quiet and reserved, Mark comes across as a shy guy, but when I myself am transporting patients, he knows about half of them by name! Mark is very interactive with the people he transports, and it shows when they recognize him in the halls. He is almost always calm, and he is always wonderful to the patients. Mark transports safely and smoothly, and that is a huge compliment to the community of Transport.
5) Jessie: Jessie is the glue that holds the Transporters together. He sits at a desk on a daily basis and takes calls all day. That’s his entire job. Jessie has a lot of patience, and while he does do a couple other things, he can write faster than anyone else I know. He takes down the dictation of when, where, and how we (the transporters) are supposed to go, usually in a time frame of less than thirty seconds. Without Jessie, transport would fall apart.
6) Diablo (Like the name change, buddy?): This guy is crazy, but in the most awesome way possible. He has a way of making almost EVERYONE he happens to be around either smile or (in most cases involving myself) laughing histerically. He is fantastic with the patients and he gets them where they need to go without hesitation. His speed is unmatched and his gracefulness when pushing some of the most complicated runs is mind-blowing. Diablo is probably the best transporter PPTH has, and without him, I don’t think we’d be nearly as efficient as we are. Diablo is, in my opinion, our MVP.
Technically, there should be a 7th description, but I’m not going to write a paragraph on myself and try to figure out what I do well as at my job.
These six degrees of Transport are the six reasons why PPTH functions so well when it comes to getting patients to the places they need to go. With the absence of any of these six people, Transport would not run as well as it does. These people are fantastic, and I feel privelidged to be able to work with such fine people.
Everyone has their moments, but when you’re having a moment when you realize something terrifying about yourself, i.e. you’ve got a third nipple in the middle of you forhead, or figuring out you’re gay, it tends to upset you. I know…I’ve had one.
It was mid-spring of 2006 and I was on a school-sponsored music trip to South Carolina. Life was good- I had a decent GPA, I had a fantastic group of friends, and I had a gorgeous boyfriend. How could life get any better? It couldn’t. Instead, I was thrown into a whirlwind of emotions I didn’t want anything to do with.
This is the part where I tell the amazingly boring story that you may or may not read.
Every single seat was occupied on the coach bus as we made our way to Charleston, S.C. for the music “thing” we were doing (It’s been four years, cut me some slack). We arrived at the hotel, received our room assignments, got our luggage and went to our respective floors. Once we entered our room, we immediately turned on the TV. It was late; around 9PM-ish or something. The girls and I had on the weather channel when Cayley’s* phone rang.
“OMFG THERE’S SOFT-CORE PORN ON TV! IT’S ON SHOWTIME, YOU’VE GOTTA PUT IT ON!!! IT’S LESBO PORN, BUT STILL!”
We figured, hey. If it’s porn of any kind on tv during a SCHOOL SPONSORED music trip, that’s pretty fucking hilarious, so we turned it on.
It was a show called The L Word, which I didn’t know until later. We were watching it, and we actually kind of got into the storyline when a character graced the screen that I thought was pretty attractive.
“Oh, my God! He’s hot” I said.
My friends, who I’m sure tried to be as gentle as they could, responded:
“Di, that’s a girl…”
“No, it’s not! I know a guy when I see one. I’m straight.”
“No, Di. Look at the screen.”
As I turned my head, my eyes widened. The character I had claimed was hot had their shirt undone…and off completely. This person was most definitely…………..female.
“What?!?!? That CAN’T be right!!! BUT…BUT I’M STRAIGHT!!!!!”
I began to freak out. Hyperventilation, shaking uncontrollably…it was frightening. I had never had those thoughts about other girls before…had I?
The truth was, I HAD. I realized this a couple days ago when I was thinking about how I learned about my sexuality. Growing up, I had idolized other girls, putting them on their own personal pedastools. I had often wondered about what gay women were like and how they differed much from my own self, but I never had thoughts of kissing girls or making out with them…or anything else. I never had any sexual thoughts about girls. I’m sure that’s what threw me off. Either way, I had masked my sexual orientation from everyone, including myself.
On the bus ride home, I got my monthly pain the in ass…well, actually, it’s more of a pain in the uterus, but that’s beside the point…and was in severe pain from the cramps. Luckily, my friend Brea* (who was openly bisexual, and who had already told me she had had a crush on me) being the wonderful, amazing person that she is, happened to be carrying Midol with her. She gave me some, I took it, and then I sat next to her and layed my head in ther lap (GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!). She petted my head and comforted me. At this point, I think I had told her already that I was bisexual. She knew I was in a lot of pain both mentally and physically, so she held me for most of the rest of the way home. I will never be able to thank her enough for that.
Anyway, we got home and I was mortified. How the hell was I supposed to tell my parents I was bisexual?!!?? Then I got this crazy idea: I WOULDN’T TELL THEM. I got off the bus and never said a word of what I had discovered about myself to either my mother or my father.
I seem to have come out since then to just about everyone EXCEPT my parents. They may possibly be the only people on planet Earth who don’t know my true sexual orientation. Sorry, Mom and Dad, but I’m just not ready to be kicked out/disowned/etc. Not just yet.
If you are reading this blog entry and you know me personally, I must ask you not to mention my sexuality around my parents. I haven’t told them because I don’t want to upset them, so please respect that. Thank you.
*Name was changed to protect this person’s identity.
~”But I’m A Heterosexual!” is a reference to a movie called “But I’m A Cheerleader!” If you haven’t seen it, watch it, and then you’ll basically see how I found out I was bisexual.
MUCH LOVE AND HATE,
You’re favorite/least favorite/most hated/randomly found bisexual author. :]
Last night, my parents and I spent the evening with family friends Devin* and Gracie* and their 4 1/2 month baby girl, Sadie*. I thought I was going to be bored shitless, but here’s how the night played out:
My parents and I left our house and I applied my make-up in the back of the car. After I finished, I shut my eyes and kind of tuned out everything, almost falling asleep. My mom let me know when we had gotten to our destination and I got out of the car with my purse, laptop, and the bottle of Chardonnay we’d brought and we walked to the front door.
Now you might be wondering why I brought my laptop. That’s rather rude, you may say, but don’t you worry. I didn’t open it once. I brought it because I thought I’d be bored and I thought I’d be able to catch Neil Lambert’s live feed of his brother Adam’s performace, but I wasn’t.
We rang the doorbell and Devon answered the door. We greeted him, handed him the bottle of red wine we had brought as well as the Chardonnay, and walked in. That’s when I saw them: The two cutest dogs I’d seen in a long time. I don’t remember exactly what breed they were, but since Devon likes Lord Of The Rings, they were named Frodo and Sam. Frodo was the boy dog; black and kind of quiet. Sam was the girl dog. Her fur (which felt much more like human hair) was about the same color as Samwise Gamgee from the movie. She was much more energetic than Frodo, so the two dogs’s personalities seemed to fit with their names.
The next faces I saw were Gracie’s and Sadie’s. We greeted Gracie and I immediately focused all of my attention on Sadie. She is quite possibly the cutest baby I’ve ever seen. She is 4 1/2 months old and she is about the size of a 6 or 8 month old. She’s already got the adorable apple cheeks, and her little chin is so tiny compared to them it’s just irresistable.
At first, we couldn’t really get a smile out of Sadie. Then, after about 15 minutes, she let out a HUGE burp. NOW she was smiling. Gracie let me hold her and I couldn’t believe how heavy she was! 16 pounds of cuteness!!! Quite a workout for my arms, let me tell you, especially since she’s very mobile and kept squirming in my arms.
She started out by smiling, a lot. I couldn’t stop smiling back at her. The funniest thing about her is that she looks you in the eyes already, and it’s as if she can read what you’re thinking. She’s going to be very smart, I can tell. After maybe an hour, I was holding her again. This time, I looked at her, and she smiled at me, and stuck out her tongue. It was so cute that I had to hand her over to my own mother so I could laugh histerically. it was in MY mother’s arms that she first cooed in front of us. All I could say to that was “AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
It was finally time for dinner, so Gracie put Sadie in her little…well, I don’t know exactly what you’d call it, but it wasn’t a bouncer, rocker, or chair. It was kind of like a cup that held her; like if she lay down in a big, humongous leaf, only this was pink, and Sadie started bouncing in it. Sadie kept a nice little drum beat for us all throughout dinner with her bouncing. It was so funny! And every now and then, she’d have her say in the conversation: “Aaaaaahhh! Oooooaaaaaaaaawhaaaaaaaaaaa.” Gracie would talk back to her: “Oh, really? WOW!” I laughed.
What I didn’t realize was exactly WHAT we were having for dinner. All I saw were three pots with oil in them and color-coded skewers. That’s when I was told we were having fondue. Fondue!! I’d never had it before. I was expecting cheese and bread, but I was wrong. It turns out, I knew very little about fondue until last night.
We sat down and everyone started passing the raw meat around. I took a couple pieces of raw steak, raw chicken, and raw sausage (can sausage be raw?) and passed the plates on. Next came the vegetables, so I got some broccoli. Then there was the bread, but we had been given side dishes with oil and our choice of spice to dip our bread in, so I knew it wasn’t the kind of fondue I was expecting.
I watched as Gracie was first to put a piece of raw steak in one of the oil pots. After about a minute, she removed it, and what I saw amazed me. The raw piece of meat Gracie had put into the pot of oil had come out not a minute later comepletely cooked!! Well, I can tell you, I took all three of my red color-coded skewers, stuck meat on them and put them in the pot. To spare you any more boring details, the night went on like this for a good hour and a half.
We finished dinner and my mom and I helped Devon clean up while Gracie made a bottle to go feed Sadie. Then I went into the living room where Gracie and Sadie were and I received a very messy smile from a very adorable Sadie. I giggled and sat down. Sadie had eaten most of her bottle, so Gracie went up and got Sadie’s pajamas. Before she got up, Gracie handed Sadie to me.
I was talking to her when my dad came out. I asked him if he wanted to hold her, and he said yes as long as he could sit down. He sat next to me and I handed him Sadie. At first she looked at him with a face that said “Who the hell are you?” Then my dad started talking to her and she smiled that tongue-like smile and talked back with her only way of communicating, ‘Ooohs’ and ‘Aaaahs.’
Devon and my dad took the dogs out for a walk, and Gracie, my mom and myself went to say goodnight to little Sadie. Her pajamas were a onezie, with little bunny feet at the bottom. Her room was light green with a pink carpet. The crib was black. It was a calming room. My mom and I said goodnight to Sadie and went downstairs. Seconds after we got to the bottom of the stairs, my dad and Devon got back. Apparently, it was raining too hard to take the dogs for a walk.
At about 11:30 PM, Devon and Gracie had set up the fondue pot again, but this time it had…CHOCOLATE. That’s right. CHOCOLATE. They passed around bananas, strawberries, rice krispies, marshmallows, lady fingers, and oranges. Let’s just say…if I’m not officially a diabetic now, it’ll be a miracle.
At 10 minutes to midnight, we went out into the living room once again and turned on the TV. We didn’t want to watch Dick Clark suffer through the night, so we turned on Carson Daly. He’s a bit of a prick, but there was nothing else on. We got really excited because he was about to show Green Day perform “East Jesus Nowhere,” but then they cut to commercial. We were all so pissed off, we changed the channel. At 3 minutes to midnight, we turned Carson back on. We watched the ball drop, said “HAPPY NEW YEAR!” and drank Champagne. Then, Carson cut to Green Day again. This time, they played the whole song, “21 Guns.” I sang happily along. Next thing I know, we were home. I must’ve slept on the way home. I walked inside, brushed my teeth, took my shoes off, got under the covers, turned on my Adam Lambert album, and went to sleep.
I woke up this morning dressed in my white wifebeater, black button-down dress shirt, black HOT TOPIC pants, and black ‘hardware’ belt. At first I didn’t understand, but then I realized I was just so tired that I passed out in what I had been wearing.
Well, dear readers, that’s how I celebrated the new year, so I hope my first blog of the new year wasn’t too boring, even though I know it was pretty much bullshit. I’m sorry it wasn’t more entertaining. Anyway, I hope you all have a healthy, prosperous new year, and I promise I’ll write much better blogs this year. It’s one of my new year’s resolutions.
Much love, hate, and everything in between.
*These names have been changed for the protection of the people’s identities.
The Unimportant Opinion 