One-sided conversations and Transvestite Comedians.

I’m sitting here listening to my mother talk to her mother. I can only hear one side of this conversation, but I can tell you, it’s pretty exciting…yeah…what a RIVITTING chat they’re having…

Speaking of chats, I’ve recently fallen head-over-heals for a transvestite comic who goes by the name of Eddie Izzard. For some reason unbeknownst to mankind, I find him extremely attractive and would like to shag his bloody brains out. Everytime I hear his voice, I get turned on. My co-worker found a clip of him on her phone today and I was listening in. I quickly made my way to the bathroom with the door that take 3 hours to close and cleaned myself up. I’m telling you, he has a MAJOR effect on me…

Why is it that I fall for the most unexpected people?

Fridays can sometimes be hell.

I started out volunteering in the Cancer Center again this morning, just like I do every Friday morning from 9 AM to 1 PM. I was bored, sitting down doing Sudoku puzzles. It basically stayed that way for the next 4 hours. When I left, I was given a bag full of dog biscuits for humans. I was puzzled by this until someone explained that the treats were actually graham crackers. I thought the idea was pretty cute. Now it was time to find my mom.

I took the long way to find 3A where my mom works. When I got up there, I ran into my mom’s boss, who kindly escorted me to my mother. I greeted my mom with a cheerful “Hello!” Well, it wasn’t THAT cheerful, but I did what I could since I had the hangover of the century. I was introduced to a few of my mom’s co-workers before we walked back to her desk to discuss how I was after last night’s fiasco. I was asked if I was alright to drive home, and I said “Yes, I should be fine.” Then I was asked if I wanted to stay for lunch. “Actually, Mommy, Heather is coming over for lunch today.”

“Are you trying to get out of lunch with me by using your best friend as an excuse???”

“No, mom! We really did have plans!!!”

“…Fine.”

So I drove home and got changed from my volunteer uniform to casual clothes and got myself ready for Heather’s arrival. I wasn’t allowed to have any soda since my stomach was in such bad shape, so I went to my room, turned on the stereo, and listened to “Love Game” by Lady Gaga.

Soon enough, there was a knock on the door.

“Hi.”

“Hey, Heather! Diana’s in the back.”

“CHICA!!!!!!!!!!!!”

She slowly stepped back a little as I came bounding out of the back of the house at her. “LET’S EAT LUNCH!”

I dragged her back and we made soup for lunch. After soup, we played LIFE again. She beat me, then I beat her twice. That never happens. I was so excited! After we got bored with LIFE, we got out my ancient “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” home game. We decided to just ask each other the questions. While we were playing, I saw my cat licking the wall. I was very concerned, but for some reason did nothing about it. I just assumed he’d stop.

Heather stayed for dinner and we watched Jeopardy and two episodes of Wheel of Fortune before I introduced her to the comedic stylings of Dana Carvey. She was in pain from laughing. After seeing that, she left for her house because she had to get up early for work. I, on the other hand, am awake writing blogs right now when I should be resting after the Thursday that I had.

I am starting to yawn right now, so I think I’ll get to bed. My mom is off this whole upcoming week, so I may not post. I hope what I have posted is enough for you freaks.

Take care, Cocksuckers.

A little tip from me to you.

If the AC in your car breaks, I suggest getting it fixed right away or the following situation may occur:

–BASED ON TRUE EVENTS–

I was on my way to an appointment when I felt the sun beating down on me. I knew putting the windows down wasn’t going to do much good, so I didn’t bother. After about 5 minutes of driving, I was at a red light. I could feel sweat dripping down my face and neck, so I decided to just take a quick peek at my condition. When I looked in the mirror, I let out a shrill shreik that scared the people in the car next to me. I know they were scared because when I looked around, I saw them staring at me as if they had just spotted America’s Most Wanted. My face was not only glistening with sweat, it was COVERED in it. I was mortified. 20 minutes of putting on my foundation/cover-up make-up was destroyed in a matter of minutes. I was saddened by what I saw. I knew that I had just run out of my cover-up and had to go buy more at the store should I want to put more on. It was just an appointment, though…right?

WRONG.

After my appointment, I had to pick up my mother from work since her car was getting repairs done on it, and take her to the rental car place. When we got there, my face sweat-wridden and zit-spotted and hair up in a very messy bun, I found out that the guy who was serving us was HOT. I mean SMOKIN’ HOT. I tried my best to hide behind my mother, but it was no use. I handed him my licence in case I needed to use the car, he scanned it on his computer, and handed it back to my mom who then handed it to me. I was sitting down, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

We went outside to check out the rental car. It was a Volvo C30. Not the greatest car, but a family-trusted brand. I did everything I could to keep this hot guy from seeing my face. I even turned around at one point and just stared at my own car. Finally, he bid us farewell and I SHOT over to my car faster than the speed of light and drove to ULTA, the store I buy my make up at. I ended up spending $50 + on make-up. Insane and unnecessary, I know, but I felt I needed it. Besides, every girl could use a little help with her eye make-up, right?…er…

Anyway, I made it back home, safe and sound, and came inside where it was air-conditioned to perfection. I walked into my room, layed back on my bed, relaxed and blasted Sirenia on my cd-player. That’s right, I said CD player. I prefer cds over iPods, though I do have an iPod Nano and an iHome. I happen to have a 60 disc CD player, and I guess that’s why I’m partial to them. Either that or the fact that I can’t operate iPods well. It’s one or the other. I’ll leave that to your disgression.

So here I am, currently, sitting Indian-style on my couch, waiting for my mom to get out of the shower so we can eat dinner and watch tv. I promise you, my blogs will mostly be similar to this one in context. Every now and then you’ll get a picture, but this will mainly just be me going on and on about my daily life and how much it tends to suck.

Enjoy, you crazy mother fuckers.

Watch out.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. I'm always watching you.

How I became addicted to Neil Lambert.

Way back in 2001, I vowed never to watch American Idol ever again when Justin Guarini lost to Kelly Clarkson because Justin is distantly related to me, and I hated Kelly for beating a family member. For the next 6 seasons of American Idol, I managed not to watch the show. I recall catching glimpses of a few episodes with my mother, then running into my room crying at how bad the contestants were. It wasn’t until after Season 8 ended that I began to regain interest in the show.

I had heard about this HUGE upset that happened on American Idol, and of course, because there was controversy, I HAD to find out what it was. So, I looked up the winner and thought ‘Wow, ok. He’s a typical winner.’ I then proceeded to find a picture of the person who was expected to win…

“HOLY FUCK HE’S HOT.”

I literally almost drooled. Adam was gorgeous. My only question at that point was “Why did he lose? Was Kris Allen a better musician?” I then looked up the KISS performance.

“OH MY CHRIST. I JUST GIZZED MYSELF.”

I had just found the man of my dreams. I had a new obsession, and it’s name was Adam Lambert.

Soon enough, the talk about his sexuality began. I decided to ignore it. After about a day, I started to question his sexuality as well. Most people questioned the Guy Liner and the Nail Polish. I was questioning the voice. His speaking voice just seemed slightly more effeminent then most men’s voices. I think that’s actually partly what attracted me to him, and because of that, his sexuality really didn’t matter that much to me.

I was doing some research on Adam to get to know him a little better when I cam across a blog called “Negative Neil.” I thought maybe this was Adam writing a blog under an alias. Then, I saw a blog about Adam. I thought to myself, I really don’t think Adam would talk about himself in third person…wait a minute…This is someone else writing about Adam! But who…

So I did a little more research and discovered that Adam had a younger brother, Neil. I read some of the blog that Neil had written and was quickly doubled over from laughter. This guy is hilarious! His intellectually-infused humor instantly reminded me of the humor of the late great George Carlin. Neil was amazing. I had been wondering what Neil might possibly look like, and I finally decided to check youtube to see if there were any videos. The first and only video I found was Neil’s 20/20 interview. The first thing you hear when playing the video is Neil’s laugh. I smiled uncontrollably as I listened to Neil talk about his brother’s sexuality. I stopped listening to his actual words and just listened to his voice. I was drawn in immediately. His voice had a quality to it that was just so seductive to me. I couldn’t understand why, but I liked it. No…I LOVED it.

And there you have it, folks. The story of how my latest obsession became my latest obsession. Thanks a lot, American Idol. Thanks.